Different wedding expectations: how should I handle this situation?
My SO plans to propose sometime in the following month, and we have already started discussing wedding plans. The problem is that my ideal wedding is so different from what my family, his family, and he himself expects.
Everyone expects the traditional white gown, church ceremony, matching bridesmaids/groomsmen, huge reception… you know, the whole shebang. My SO even wants to have a destination wedding and thinks that it would be no big deal to pay for the guests to come- even though he isn’t paying for more than he thinks is "traditional" (the tux, groomsmen gifts, rehearsal, etc.)!
My problem is that he- and my mom and his mom and even our friends- say that it is "my" wedding and I can do whatever I want, but then they act shocked or upset that I want a colored dress, or that I don’t want to have a religious ceremony, or that I don’t expect my bridesmaids to pay more than they can afford for clothes/travel/whatever (they are all poorish college students).
Any advice?
His parents are helping him pay for the tux, rehearsal dinner, etc. (that the groom’s family traditionally does) but I am having to pay for the bulk of it myself. My mother both can’t afford and doesn’t want to help.
I don’t really have anything against a "traditional" wedding. It is just frustrating to be told to do whatever I want and then be told it isn’t what other people want so I should change it. Fine, but if they are so concerned how can I get them to help me plan/pay?
On top of that, as I mentioned, most of the bridal party can’t afford anything fancy and I don’t want to put my friends in a financially awkward situation. I wasn’t even going to ask them to buy bridesmaid dresses, but of course the peanut gallery does not approve. How can we compromise?
I’m not trying to say that this is a huge problem and the wedding is off just because we can’t agree on some stupid flower arrangements. He have a pretty healthy relationship, it is just that we never discussed our wedding expectations before and now that the subject has come up I am having trouble convincing him to either give me his input or let me do my thing instead of complaining about the decisions I make. And not just him, his and my family too. What can I say to them to make them realize they are being more of a hurdle than a help?
Thanks everyone for the quick but helpful anwers. I feel a lot better now. Guess this is more stressful than I thought it would be. Again, thanks for the encouragement.
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Sorry you are going through this ~ now you are discovering why planning a wedding is so stressful
Sit down with your fiance & decide together what is important to the both of you. Plan your wedding w/your fiance, not with your friends & family.
Accept the fact now that no matter what you do, your family & friends will offer input & advice ~ whether it is wanted or not. Furthermore, there are *always* going to be people who are upset or don’t agree with your wedding plans. It sucks & I sound cynical ~ but it is a sad truth.
I don’t know why people get so bothered & upset ~ when it isn’t their wedding. Hopefully, you are able to pay for a lot of it yourself ~ if so, you really have no obligations to listen to your parents in regards to dress, ceremony, etc.
Just stand firm w/whatever plans you & your fiance have come up with. It’s hard, trust me! Best of luck to you!!!!!!!!!!
This is something you and your fiance have to talk over. Both of you say what you’d like the wedding to be and come to a compromise. Both of you should be comfortable with the final decision.
If your parents or his parents are helping to pay, they do get a say about certain things also.
Elope and then have a nice reception.
screw them all and elope. it’s your wedding, if they continue to hassle you. call a few of your friends and fly to st marten or st thomas—they’ll marry you fairly inexpensively. unless you are millionaires–people will expect to pay their own way. or even Florida or Corpus Christie. i’m not sure where you live but elope, choose the closest people that you want with you and just have fun. it IS your wedding and if you fiance isn’t willing to listen to your feelings on it or respect how you feel-you might need to re-think the entire thing!
Don’t do anything you’ll regret. If you want to have a gothic-style wedding in a cemetery, then do it, but make sure it’s okay with everyone else.
It’s your wedding, honey. Don’t bend to what others expect just to make them happy. This is true especially for things like your dress and the location. Your moms can take a hike about that. Just thank them for their input and move on with your plans. The stuff with your guy is more important.
Sit down with hard numbers and explain what it would really cost to fly everyone to Cab (or whatever). It’s more than he thinks.
Considerations:
1) Who is paying for the wedding? If it is your parents, then ask them what their budget is. This predicts what expenses you can include/afford, and what is out of the question.
2) Are there limitations on travel for guests/ wedding party? Passports, work committments, family issues, health, etc.
Asking the bridesmaids ‘what they can afford’ is touchy — they all would LOVE to have a fancy dress, travel to a resort, and be pampered for the weekend, but not many can afford it.
Here’s a suggestion…
Mom/Fiance/MIL
"I know you all have dreams about what you want my wedding to be like, and maybe some of them are things you saw at other weddings or wished you had done yourself… But, I don’t want my wedding to be a financial burden on you, on my husband and I as we start our lives together, or on my closest friends. I DO want everyone to be able to enjoy the ceremony, and having friends and family there with smiles on your faces will make the day special to me. Can we decide to spend the money on bringing in friends, instead of on dresses and accessories?"
The first thing you should do is work out a budget… find out exactly what you have to spend…. then you and your FI need to talk to your families if they are contributing and see if there are any strings attached to the money they are giving you… perhaps his parents may say you can have $xxxx if you don’t do a desination wedding etc… find these things out right off the bat.
if you think you want to do the destination wedding, here are some money saving ideas.
1. Do it at a Beaches (family) resort instead of Sandals (Couples). Especically if you are paying for everyone’s travel and accomodations, you can sleep 4 people to a room at Beaches and this saves considerable money. Give your guests the option to upgrade if they so choose, but they would have to pay whatever extra it costs to have their own room.
2. honeymoon at a beaches or sandals… if you stay within that resort family for a week, your wedding is free. This includes a bouquet, bout, the officient, all the paperwork, the venue, etc.
3. Don’t pay for an expensive reception… you’re already at an all-inclusive resort… go with the cold hors douvres reception ($15 per head)… 4 people are included though, you, your groom, and 2 others… so however many people you have over 4 you would have to pay… Do the wedding in the morning or early afternoon, not right at meal time… the cold HD menu includes finger sandwiches, fresh fruits/veggies, wedding cake, and champagne. Make reservations at the nicest restauraunt at the resrot for dinner that night with everyone.
4. give your bridesmaids some simple instructions on their attire… for instance, tell them to pick a knee length white or black dress for instance… that way each girl can pick something that suits her body type and fits her budget. Tie the look together by having them wear matching satin sashes you provide in an accent color.
5. Book airline tickets through an airline which provides group discounts… we went through Delta and saved a good bit of money by booking as a group (more than 10 people.)
6. it’s fairly reasonable to expect the groom’s family to offer to pay for their own travel… my parents offered to pay for my husband’s family’s travel, but they insisted on covering their own way. My parents did pay for his grandparents, as well as 6 attendants, 3 bms and 3 gms.
Just to give you some figures… Beaches Boscobel… i picked a random 3 days in March… for one room with 4 adults, it is a little under $2k… so that’s $500 per guest total… look for great airline deals… we found deals for about $250 (just depends on where you are flying out of… but if you could find that deal you’d be looking at about 750 per guest plus the 15 for the reception… it’s really not bad for an international vacation!
Whatever you decide to do, you and your groom have to be the ones who are happy…
And there is NOTHING that says you have to pay for everyone’s travel… It’s a nice gesture but certainly not required.
I think you are following all of the rules that you should be following, namely:
1- You’re being true to yourself
2- You’re not putting ridiculous expectations on people around you in order to plan your wedding.
I think that some people might be reacting the way they are because they want you to have a great day, that you can look back on with pride. Take what they say into consideration, but don’t feel pressure to do something you don’t want to do.
For example- someone else posted on this section about not wanting a lot of "cheesy wedding pictures"- I cautioned her to rethink this, because I think she might regret it one day if she doesn’t have a picture with her parents, or a nice portrait of herself with her new husband. My advice is from experience, because I think she might regret her choice later, when it will be too late to fix.
Listen to other’s suggestions, and then do what feels right to you. You sound like you are being extremely reasonable about the whole thing.
Most importantly you & your SO should figure out the wedding you want to have and agree to stand up to your families for what you both agree to.
Next, figure out how it will be paid for.
You didn’t mention anything about your SO paying for anything - what’s up with that? If you are paying for the majority of the wedding then the peanut gallery has no opportunity for input.
You and your boyfriend need to have a talk about this. Figure out what you want. Both need to express their opinions. When it’s figured out, you need to present a united front to both sets of parents. You can talk to them individually, or get them together and talk it over at once. But, you guys need to decide first.
And when parents start questioning. It’s okay to tell them that you only have so much money and don’t want to put your friends into awkward financial situations. Maybe they’ll be more willing to help. But still, you and your boyfriend have to get this settled between the two of you.
You tell them your budget is $2,000 (or whatever it is on your own) and when they tell you anything about your plan, you ask them how exactly that would be accomplished on that budget…I suspect they will either buck up or stop offering "advice".