How to handle SIL’s destination wedding?
My DH and I just found out that his sister is planing to get married in Hawaii in about 6 months. The problem is we just filed for bankruptcy and short of living in complete poverty and putting every penny away, just for airfare, we can’t go. We really don’t want to borrow money from family members to go either. I’m just really mad that I am expected to spend all the money I’ve earned working a second job on attending someone’s wedding, even though it is family. Any advice from someone who has been there??? I know this is going to blow way out of proportion soon…
Just wanted to add, this is not about us…I could care less about what they choose, I just want them to understand. But it is their day, I couldn’t agree more
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It would be rude for family to give you grief for not being able to go. Your SIL and his family should realize that part of the downside of having a destination wedding is that not everyone can participate. Forget it being in Hawaii, I couldn’t go to a number of friend’s weddings because they were 1000 miles away and as a student, I just don’t have money for airfare. If they give you flack for not going, note that you and your DH are sad you won’t be able to go but surely everyone realizes that the destination wedding has the downfall of excluding some parties that can’t attend, unfortunately, you are just the party that has to make their excuses this time.
You need to speak to your husband and find out how he feels. If he wants to go, then the two of you can save up the money to attend. If he doesn’t care, then don’t go. He can explain to his sister that you can’t afford it. The truth is…when she chose to get married in Hawaii, she was accepting the fact that many people would not be able to attend her wedding.
Its there day, their way. Have them over for dinner and tell them we love you but we cannot afford to come. We will be with you in thought/prayer on your special day. End of story. I dont think you should be mad about it, just be reasonable with them. No matter where a wedding is held, if it is family it costs you $$$$; that is life. They knew when they made this plan that not everyone would be able to come (or they live in never never land) They will understand, but you need to understand that their plans should not be about you.
You politely decline. If they ask why you can’t go, tell them what you told us. You’re not financially stable enough to make that type of monetary committment right now. If they are familiar with your situation, they will understand. If not, briefly explain, not that it’s their business. It’s not worth arguing about, we’re talking about your credit and financial future versus a vacation… Have them over to look at the pictures when they get back.
Good luck!
Just because you are invited to a wedding does not mean you are obligated to go. SIL has a right to get married wherever she pleases, without consulting you, just as you have a right to decline the invitation for financial reasons. No one expects you to spend your hard-earned money taking an expensive trip - even for family - when you have a serious budget situation.
You should talk this over with your husband and decide, together, what your priorities are. If overcoming your financial hurdles is a necessity, then you should not go to the wedding. If it’s really important to him that he be there, you should look at travel options for him and for the two of you. That way, you can make a decision based on all the information, together.
And if your other family raise a stink if you can’t go, just calmly remind them, "Of course we love Susan and want to be at her wedding, but we simply can’t afford an expensive trip at this time." And then change the subject.
It is perfectly acceptable to decline a wedding invitation for financial reasons. Be gracious though, stress that you would LOVE to go, but you just CAN’T. Send them a gift (doesn’t have to be expensive) and a card, wishing them well.
I know this doesn’t sound like much fun, but a compromise would be to have your husband go and you stay home. I think it’s inconsiderate and very unrealistic for her to only give people a few months notice, usually a year ahead is recommended. But if he goes at least, then you’ll keep peace in the family. See if he can get a cheap ticket on Priceline.com and crash with someone, only stay a couple of days and then come home. If it’s truly a hardship, then just bow out early, and perhaps someone will come through with the money to at least send him.
No one is "expecting" you to do anything. Respectfully decline the invitation. They are having the wedding they want, and in picking a destination wedding, they are probablly expecting that not everyone will be able to come.
If they press as to why you can not attend the wedding, tell them money is tight and you just can’t make it work. Send your best wishes and get them a very thoughtful gift or make them something. Or even offer a service. "One free house cleaning for the married couple".
His Sister or his parents should pay for the travel arrangements for everyone in the family.