I don’t know what to do….?
My fiance and I are planning to get married in Hawaii in 2009. Because it is a destination wedding, we’ve already told family and friends about it so they could start to save up.
His parents and brother’s family are saying that they won’t be able to go because they can’t afford it. I don’t want to be rude, but we’re paying for everything ourselves and all they’d have to do is fly out…isn’t 18 months enough time to save?
Also, because my parent’s are pretty well off they think I’m spoiled for having a wedding in Hawaii, and are giving me grief over it. They’re being very vocal about their disdain, saying "Well, I would think it’s more important to have your family with you rather than have a fancy wedding."
Both my HTB and I would love to have them with us, but we’ve always said (for 5 years now) that we wanted to get married in Hawaii. We have given everyone plenty of time to save up money, and we’re trying to make everyone happy. It’s so hard!
What should we do?
We’re having a reception back home for everyone that couldn’t attend after our honeymoon.
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You should have a lovely, happy, stress free event and hope the people that love you will be there to see your big day and wish you well as you begin your life together. You don’t ever have to apologize to anyone for being able to afford a nice wedding. It may not be what everyone else would choose or could afford, but if you can and it’s what YOU want, your wedding day is the one day of your life ALL about YOU so go for it. I think it is very selfish and jealous of them not to make every effort to come and even nastier they are making comments to make either of you feel bad about any decisions you and your HTB have made about your wedding. 18 months is plenty of time to save for a flight to Hawaii! I wouldn’t let that stress me out. Tell them how much you love them and want them to be there and the day won’t be the same without them. Hopefully they will come, but if they don’t, you can’t feel bad about it or let it put a damper on your day!!! It IS important to have family there which is why they should make the effort to be supportive and keep their opinions for pillow talk and just let you guys enjoy your big day! Congrats!!! I know it will be lovely!!!
I understand it’s what you want, but why should people have to save up to attend your wedding? What if they have other things they’re saving up for, hopes of their own?
The bottom line is this: you have to make a choice between making yourselves happy and making everyone else happy. I personally think a trip to Hawaii- which is very expensive- is too much to ask, even if everyone is well off. Why not honeymoon there? Or get married on your own, and have a reception when you get home?
Hello Bridezilla,
5 years…18 months…whatever…should have been time enough for YOU to save to bring them to Hawaii if that’s what you want. I think it’s extremely selfish to expect people to pay that kind of money to attend YOUR wedding!! "Destination Wedding"…you’ve gotta be kidding. Make me wanna throw up. Why don’t you make that where you honeymoon and let the others go on vacation where they choose and can afford!
When you make a choice to have a destination wedding you also make the choice to realize that not everybody has extra money lying around and people won’t be able to come.
You said you come from a well off family. Obviously he doesn’t. Sorry honey but when you are living paycheck to paycheck there is no money to save.
If having those people there matters more to you than say a steak dinner then downgrade to chicken and offer to cover their flights. Or you can move the wedding closer.
It’s all your choice and you have every right to plan the wedding of your dreams if you can afford it but you don’t have any right to knock someone just because they can’t shell out a few grand for your wedding. (and yes if it’s in Hawaii the cheapest it will be for them is $1,500 not including any sort of gift for you)
A wedding is something that you are gonna remember for the rest of your life, and if Hawaii is where you both choose to do it then the rest of the family should not criticize you for that. That decision is totally up to the 2 people that are getting married. If you both would like to have the parents attend and they say that they can’t afford it…most likely to get them there is to come up with a way to raise money to pay for their trip.
Accept the fact that not everyone wants to travel to Hawaii to see you get married. And yes it’s asking them a lot to pay for the ticket and giving them a mere 18 months to save up - wow - for some people, there’s so many other things they’d rather do then plan to go to someone’s wedding thousands of miles from home.
Destination weddings can be gorgeous but the downside is that many times your closest relatives and friends are unable to attend unless someone agrees to pay for everyone. That is just a sacrifice you’re going to have to be willing to swallow if you are adament about getting married in Hawaii.
Here’s a compromise: You could get married still at a beach but somewhere closer to home so people could attend. OR you could have the wedding in Hawaii but talk your parents into paying for a very small wedding there so they can also pay for a few relatives to come (like your HTB’s parents).
Look, if you have a very small ceremony in Hawaii and they pay for like 5 people to attend, it will cost alot (granted) but it will probably be no more than if you had a big, fancy wedding in the U.S.
If you want to get married in Hawaii, go for it.
Have an awesome reception when you get home.
Stop trying to make everyone happy, it will NOT work!
Just tell them that it WILL be in Hawaii, they ARE invited, and if they can’t come to the wedding, then that is fine too.
Get married in Hawaii, no prob, knock yourself out.
But you have no right to an opinion on how other people spend their money.
You have no right to tell them they should be saving money to spend on plane tickets to attend your wedding. Their money, your fiance’s family’s money, is none of your business.
Sure it is your day and you can do anything you like about your own wedding.
Who knows, they might have the money all saved up, be ready to buy the plane tickets and book the hotel, and then bam! The car engine konks out, and the roof leaks. Guess what, Bridezilla!?
You’ve given them plenty of time to buy a ticket. I think there is another issue and they are using the cost to go to Hawaii as the reason to not go. I would have your HTB talk to his family and just ask what the deal is. You guys are paying for everything and all they need to do is buy a ticket. Maybe they don’t realize they only have to get airline tickets.
If this is really the reason, then you and your HTB need to decide what you want. If you’re going to have a reception back home, you two can dress up in your wedding attire and celebrate with everyone. It’s your day. You’re not going to make everyone happy. So do what you both really want to do and have no regrets.
Good luck! Believe me when I tell you I completely understand. My husbands family are farmers from Montana and he left home, went to college and never looked back. So when we had our wedding it was a big to do and his mom was just fit to be tied about the over all wedding, costs (they didn’t pay for a thing) how formal it was. It was just over the top to them and we just said sorry, it’s what we want.
Good luck!
FIrst, maybe you are paying for everything else & they do have time to save for the airfare, but destination weddings are still emotionally charged and they are still foreign to lots of people. Maybe once they get used to the idea they will calm down. Also, I would leave it alone for awhile & let them get used to it. In the meantime, start researching how much it would actually cost them to fly there; if they book ahead of time you can usually get some great deals!
Now, about the in-laws: Your HTB needs to sit down (without you ) and explain to his parents that this is a joint decision; you both want Hawaii, and you are not spoiled. Have him tell them they are hurting your feelings and making you feel bad. He needs to ask them respectfully to stop doing this. If they can’t agree with the decisions on the wedding, they at least need to repect them and the two of you.
Last, there is no way you will ever be able to please everyone! Not even half the people! So, try to be as considerate as possible of everyone, follow etiquette, and plan the wedding to make yourselves happy!
Stop trying to please other people. It is your wedding, not theirs. Go, enjoy, have your dream wedding and they can come to the party afterwards back home. It is their choice.
If you dont marry in Hawaii, you will always regret it…..and resent them for not letting you have your dream.
Really, there are only 2 people that must be at the wedding and that is you and your lovely groom. Remember that. It is not about who comes and who doesnt. Not about anything other than the love you share and the vows you guys make to each other.
You should be able to get married wherever you want, but be willing to pay the consequences of doing so. If they are unable to attend your luxury wedding because of financial constraints they will blame YOU for that for years to come. You cannot make a sweeping generalization that "18 months is plenty of time to save for a trip to Hawaii" - this is NOT true for all people. They may have other financial responsibilities that you don’t know about because they’re none of your business. A wedding is a joining of two families, and to cause his to feel excluded is a big mistake.